No, I Cannot Control This Dog


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My dog doesn’t like to poop.  I think she gets that from me.  I mean, isn’t that the very definition of anal retentive?  Not wanting to let go of your poop?

But the dog knows when I take her out in the morning that I want her to poop.  And I know she knows because she was trained to do so when told (the command is “get busy get busy get busy!”)  Seriously, why have a German shepherd if you aren’t going to take advantage of that big brain and impress all your friends with how many words your dog knows?  For Pepper, it’s 65.

Pepper knows every family member by name and can be sent to go get any of them on command.  She knows all of her toys.  She can be sent to any room in the house, (yes, “go to the kitchen” is something she understands and will do when told).  None of this is rocket science, especially with the Hound of Heidelberg.  Just say a word over and over, giving her a liver nugget each time, until she shows you that she knows what the word means.  Then, once or twice a week, go through the whole list.

What can I say?  We got the dog when she was six weeks old and we don’t have kids, so there you have it.

But given all that, she still won’t poop when I tell her to.  She will for my husband.  He’s even taught her complex concepts associated with doing what she’s told.  When she won’t go, he’ll ask if she wants to play, and when she replies yes (oh, yeah, we also taught her that she has to ask for what she wants by barking once in response…), he’ll then tell her to “get busy” and SHE WILL!  She understands that she can’t play until she does her other business.

This never works when I try it.  Nothing does.  She just will not poop for me.

So, I look at that as one of the things in the universe that I can’t control.  My attitude is that if it happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t, I’m not the one who has to wait until the next walk.  Why get mad at what you can’t control?  I guess sometimes it takes facing off with someone even more anal retentive than you are to get you to let go, not sweat the small stuff, and allow things to happen as the universe intends, not as you command.

Thanks, Pepper.  You bitch.

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10 thoughts on “No, I Cannot Control This Dog

  • Heidi R. C.

    New command: “Do you need some fiber?” Bark once for yes, twice for no.
    P.S. Possibly, she is smart enough to know that if she poops for you, her “Mommy and me” time will end.

  • grumpylola

    Hilarious and inspiring! I agree with Heidi. Maybe she knows “pooping means mommy goes to work” or such. On the bright side, you don’t have to pick up her poop. Maybe she’s doing you a favor! But ultimately, pick your battles!

    Thanks for making me smile! Laugh. Not quite RAOTFL, but OL all the same.

  • PureSnickety

    Love this post! I have been learning to pick my battles since I got Loki about two months ago. I’ve also been stretch my patience muscles. Thanks for the great reminder not to let it go sometimes. I needed it today. 🙂

  • David Erickson

    Amazing how many words/commands the average dog can learn. And unlearn -:)

    We lost a Siberian Husky a few years back and I swear he understood just about everything we said. Just sometimes he didn’t want to. Wireless fence was useless with him. He’d just shake his head and walk right through. We don’t have that problem with our other dogs. In fact, they can now go weeks without their wireless collars and not test the line..

    • speakhappiness

      What I say of Pepper all the time is that she’s the best trained dog in the world, she’s just not at all obedient. I have no doubt that she understands every word I’m saying, she’s just choosing not to do it. It’s like having a teenager. At least she doesn’t need braces and won’t wreck my car.

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